Katty Kay & Claire Shipman's "The Confidence Code" and Sheryl Sandberg's "Lean In"

Ever since summer classes ended, I've taken on a 9-5 part-time job that involves a lot of sitting and idleness. The most natural response for me was to read, and I have never charged my Kindle Paperwhite this excessively before. Of the last four books I've completed, three of them were nonfiction. I now have a lassitude toward fiction. As creative and imaginative as writers are with fiction, fiction makes me sad for obvious reasons.

I surprised myself as I completed each nonfiction work, especially since I used to be addicted to sci-fi and fantasy themed novels (can we say Harry Potter, please). Nonfiction has motivated me towards active self-improvement and diverts my attention towards real life as I learn about the real human condition. Brain Rules, The Confidence Code, and Lean In each provided unique perspectives about social issues prominent in the United States today. The former two especially use a scientific storytelling method to while discussing social implications. All three have strong and salient plots that educate and engage me. I couldn't help but wonder why professors don't assign these sorts of books for class textbooks. Textbooks are made to solely inform; these books are both empathetic with the human condition and informative while backed with extensive research studies to expand upon their points. Brain Rules especially had challenging but plausible suggestions for improving work life and the education system to create a better learning environment, and I loved Medina's proposals.

I'm glad I read The Confidence Code and Lean In back-to-back. They complement each other perfectly. Merely reading them already boosted my confidence level significantly. Throughout college, I've experienced several moments of extreme self-esteem drops (roll through some old posts and it'll make sense). Despite interminable personal lectures, emotional outbursts, and excessive journaling, I never seemed to get out of my I-am-going-to-suck-at-life shell that I refused to leave these past two years, especially as a female in a male-dominated field. Just last month, I was lying on the floor in my room and complaining to my mom about how I felt like I had no future. There were some legit first-world problems. Am I overloading my work for this coming school year? What activities do I participate in this time? What do I do after I graduate college? What if no man I like ever wants to date me, which means what if I'm single forever and never married? Am I still afraid of academic failure despite all I've gone through?

Hearing stories from three women who have experienced defeating moments themselves and learned to stand back up encouraged me more than any pep talk a friend or parent could give. It strikes me as hilariously sad how I would hear the exact same advice told in everyday language from someone I know and be unable to implement it, but read the advice in books published by reputable individuals and suddenly feel slightly braver. Here are some of my favorite moments from The Confidence Code and Lean In:

Mastery refers to the process and progress, not perfection.
"Perfectionism inhibits achievement."
Confidence is leaving your comfort zone and taking action. Do it.
Courage is a critical partner to confidence.
Overthinking, people pleasing, and the inability to let go of defeats are confidence killers.
"Dare the difference."
"Fortune favors the bold."
"What would you do if you weren't afraid? Go do it."
"The upside for painful knowledge is so much greater than the downside of blissful ignorance."

"Success is making the best choices we can...and accepting them."

"I truly believe that the single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is. I don't know one woman in a leadership position whose life partner is not fully - and I mean fully - supportive of her career. No exceptions."

It strikes me that these concepts are widely accepted yet forgotten. It took two entire books to instill a different mindset within. I don't have enough self-compassion. I strive for perfectionism not because I want to be the very best at what I do, but because I always falsely believed that what I did wasn't good enough. Sheryl Sandberg suggests adopting both a long-term dream and a shorter, say 18-month plan. When coming up with these, set goals that have both "focus and flexibility," she emphasizes. It is then when I come to realize that my goals are either too out of my reach or too doable. There wasn't something appropriate for me to work towards. (But of course, in my head, it all had made sense initially.)

These past few weeks, I've voluntarily done things I usually don't do - broke a little bit of my routine actions - and it feels great. These don't even have to be big, daunting changes; they just have to be small things that I don't usually take the effort to try doing. Initiating to drive the freeway to be a better freeway driver so my dad doesn't feel the need to yell while I'm emotionally struggling in the car. Cooking and experimenting with new foods. Working out first thing in the morning at 6am. Asking questions that I may have been afraid to ask before.

At the end of the day, I learn how to better ignore other people's opinions and just keep going. Confidence and being unfazed by other irrelevant opinions come hand in hand. Slowly but surely, I'm getting there.

Thank you Katty Kay, Claire Shipman, and Sheryl Sandberg. Your words are indelible and have left a great, positive impact. 

Everyone should go read "In Defense of Food" now

To my own surprise, I've recently been reading a lot of nonfiction (that's another story) and I officially deem Michael Pollan one of my favorite science writers. Although In Defense of Food is the only work of his that I have read, it is extremely eye-opening and thought-invoking. What are we really consuming in Western society? How can we go about to better understand what is actually in the food and produce we purchase?

Pollan emphasizes how consumerism-based marketing and the food industry have evolved from selling raw, whole foods to advertising products based on nutrient break-down. It is frightening how often we see "low-fat" and "low-carb" exploding in front of our eyes on packaging labels, especially when science has clearly shown that there is really no one sole component of a food that deems it healthy. It is the food as a whole which dictates its benefits. Take margarine, for example, which turned out to be the trans-fat royalty that was engineered by humans to supposedly be a "better version of butter."

As a result, Pollan suggests that we all consume and buy "real food," which has the following criteria:

• No more than 5 ingredients
• Has no unfamiliar ingredients

Here's my question: can I even find anything in my local supermarket that meets these requirements, apart from fresh produce? I can meet the two criteria at a farmer's market, but what about at the evenly-priced supermarkets down the street?  

As Westerners become busier and increasingly fed up with family and work matters, they have significantly less time to cook with whole, raw foods. Therefore, they resort to processed products with the interminable and foreign list of ingredients next to the nutrition label. Furthermore, consumers who purchase these foods are completely unaware of its origins after extreme processing. What about the procedure of making processed foods that last for years on store shelves? The condition of the soil that produce grows in? The quality of the foods that the meat we eat is being fed? Consumers are becoming increasingly distanced from the food production process and its taking a serious toll on Western society health. Interestingly enough, though, this article addresses the possible change that can take place in such a seemingly impossible force - if consumers begin purchasing foods from more reliable, firsthand sellers ("Shake the hand that feeds you," Pollan says), then the market will gradually shift to support this demand. 

Pollan has encouraged me to start growing a garden with vegetables and fruits. Reading this book has already increased my appreciation for food, and horticulture should only cement it. I'm planning on reading The Omnivore's Dilemma soon, another one of Pollan's great works. 

It's time to savor and better understand the food the enters our bodies.

What I Learned & Loved from The Great Santini

It took me a while, but I finally finished Pat Conroy's The Great Santini late last week. It's one of those books where I couldn't pick up the momentum very quickly. Usually, these books tend to be disappointing, but Conroy's work took a different turn. The most climatic and suspenseful moments occurred in the latter half of the story, but without the essential background, character motivation, and tone set throughout the first half, the ending would not have evoked such an ambivalent reaction from me.

The only other novel I read that is revolves around a military-based theme is Tim O'Brien's The Things They Carried, so I was very unfamiliar with the context surrounding military family life. It was thought-evoking and eye-opening to have detailed descriptions of military children's reactions and dialogue. We especially get to see how Ben Meecham, as the oldest child, deals with and faces the pressure and expectations from his father, Bull Meecham (aka "The Great Santini").

1. The Unfiltered Dialogue and Descriptions
Conroy does a great job of keeping his characters real to the point where their voices are the only sounds occupying my mind. Bull Meecham's inexorable pride and vulgarity, and Ben's inherent fear yet simultaneous hatred and admiration for his father are straightforwardly addressed to a level where I felt uncomfortable (in the best way possible as a reader; it's the kind of uncomfortable writers strive for). My discomfort emanates from the power behind Conroy's honesty. There were far too many times when I thought, "Oh no, definitely didn't mean that," and the text is simply laughing at me and saying "Oh yes he did!"

Conroy is also extremely open in describing sensitive subjects, such as the racial conflict and gender imbalances. In particular, a frightening rape scene written with absolutely no strings attached was the most emotionally unsettling. I am reminded of how prominent these issues still are today - if we have access to so many personal accounts, one would think that humankind should know better than to continue such bigotry.

2. Sarcasm, Comedy, and Laughable Insults
Conroy made me realize the need for comedy even in the most daunting and sensitive situations. While I may cringe because some characters make morosely sarcastic comments, the Meecham family found the need to use a mixture of sarcasm, comedic comments, and insults in order to free themselves from a rigid family structure. Mary Anne has the best hits in the family. She calls Ben "feces face." She tests Bull's patience on the phone with incestuous comments. She threatens others through the claim of committing suicide while inserting seemingly cruel jokes about how nobody will miss her because of her unattractive appearance. In hindsight, these comments may seen indicative of a hurtful and inconsiderate person. However, Mary Anne used sarcasm as a coping and defense mechanism for her insecurity in being a marine's daughter who is self-deprecating in comparing herself with her mother's beauty. Underneath the tough marine family facade, the Meechams use exaggerated and laughable role-play games in order to cope with the nature of the impermanent marine lifestyle. 

3. Who do I root for?
Conroy creates his characters so that it's difficult to completely invest in a single one of them. It is natural to side with a member of the Meecham family and identify any antagonists, but within the Meecham family, each character possesses countless admirable qualities and flaws. The Meecham family dynamic is constantly changing; their interactions and reactions often surprised me. It's easy to feel sympathy for all of them at a certain point, yet cringe due to the nature of the obscene words and choices.

4. Cyclical Storytelling
I was expecting a maximal climax point in the novel, but Conroy chose to tell a series of short, small stories with small climaxes, all of which revolve around very similar themes. Bull's marine parties, Ben's basketball games and cryptic excursions with Sammy, Toomer's business.. each conflict kept me in extreme suspense, and the desired result isn't what usually plays out. However, the cyclical storytelling method kept the military family theme in-tact and set the stage for the ending.

Highly recommended book. Conroy is a gifted storyteller, and I certainly plan on reading another one of his works soon.

the evolution of me

I was rereading my old journal entries and noticed a trend. At the beginning of every new notebook, I start off with optimism and some great paragraph about the refreshing nature of starting a new notebook. It's extremely neat, and every inch of the page is filled. Then, as I proceed throughout the rest of the notebook, the writing becomes messier, there's more attitude and UMPH to my personality, and basically, I become more unfiltered. Some pages are vulgar. Others are show extreme passion about a particular subject. Usually, I sound overly critical and self-deprecating.

Throughout Vol. 1, I continuously write about my goal of sleeping early and rising early. I laugh as I read that now, because I never truly implemented that until this spring. Then there's the issue of self-control. I swear I read the sentence "I lack self-control"at least ten times within fifteen pages. Following that is usually "I must maintain control" or "I must learn control in order to feel like a civilized human being." Mastered it? Nope, self-control is so not in control. Still learning (and probably always will be). And the worst parts of reading this is how obnoxiously dumb I sounded when I wrote about the male species. Oh yes, it happened. The naivete, jealousy, and disoriented realities? Thinking about it makes me cringe. More cringing to commence in future volumes. I excuse myself as I think of the horrid person I was during my first year of college, clearly incompetently transitioning from high school.

Writing in Vol. 2 is the first time I relished in writing in a composition book instead of a spiral bound notebook. Small, strange things like these still excite me. Vol.2 is filled with grotesque complains about running an organization with incompetent staff. Short stories proliferate these pages. There is brainstorming about fantastic sci-fi plots, highlighting main characters and superpowers. There are beautiful words I jot down when reading a novel. Some of the best quotes from peeps, especially Natalie and Leah ("I tried to catch the fog, but I mist. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job? She couldn't control her pupils. I'm a fermata. Hold me"). Extensive complaints about academics. I consistently and philosophically question morality and the meaning of life.

Now, I'm currently halfway through Vol. 3 (already waiting for the moment when I can whip out a new notebook in a few months). So far, it is mostly filled with some of my favorite quotes I read from great novels and hear from inspiring TED Talks (my favorite so far: "Expected the unexpected, and wherever possible, be the unexpected"). I write about things I feel proud of, and things I need to work on. I continuously remind myself to not care, or at least care a lot less, about what other people think of me. I describe new people I meet, and treasure the genuine moments I have with others. That wonderful feeling of being able to talk for a couple hours with someone I've truly come to respect, admire, and empathize with.

If someone has never met me and only read my journal, that person would likely find me pessimistic and blunt. But isn't that what a journal is for? Journals record my innermost thoughts that simply cannot be transferred through sound waves or understood by another person. It's for me to look back at and laugh at a younger, less mature me, or to realize that I haven't grown at all and should probably go partake in more worldly activities. Journals reflect the worst in me, and sometimes, the best.

I wish I had written during high school. I can't imagine the bizarre things I would have written then, and it would be nice to see how my mind has been molded since.

"don't be yourself"

Whenever children feel insecure or unhappy about themselves, adults often give them the cliché and unhelpful answer, "Be yourself. Do you. If others don't like the way you are, then that's their issue." I somewhat agree. We can't live to please other people. Nor can we expect everyone else to like us unconditionally. However, the statement "Be yourself" gives off an implication that individuals should not bother changing anything about themselves. It almost denounces change as an unnecessary happening in life. For some individuals, "Be yourself" serves as a temporary confidence-booster - and this confidence will only be shattered later.

Sometimes, when other people don't like me, it often indicates that there is an aspect of my personality, demeanor, and vibe that strikes them negatively. Might I be mistaking my arrogance for unwavering confidence? Am I naturally a pessimistic and toxic person to be around? These are all personality defects that I believe can be molded in any individual. The phrase "Be yourself"requires great refinement. Yes, be yourself in striving to create yourself as a person who is prideful and worthwhile. But if you don't like yourself, change is a good thing - and you can change yourself to be someone that you love.

Almost 2014.

"If you try, you are leagues ahead of any other person who wants to do it but is afraid to." 

- Anna Akana 

If there's anything I've realized these past few days, I've realized that change is scary. Or, in my current condition, that the decision to make change happen is scary. I can only hope that my choice - though it is a safer, less risky choice - will bring me in the right direction.  

I like the New Year. It's a fresh feeling, and as fake and excuse-filled the "New Year, clean slate" theory may sound (I mean, come on. Let's face it. Our past will always come back and haunt us, and the difference between 11:59PM and 12:00AM from December 31 to January 1 doesn't exactly reinvent me as an individual), it still gives me great hope. I feel extra motivated and pumped to actually achieve something when January 1 rolls around. So why not take advantage of my extra energy? Nothing wrong with that.

I spent some time today writing down things I like about myself, things I want to improve on, and then forming my overarching New Year's Resolution: to exercise more self-control. Don't act on emotion, and especially don't let frustration overcome you and take over your decisions in the spur of the moment. In every small action I take, even small things such as eating, studying, and everyday interactions with friends/strangers, I need to be able to discipline myself. I've lacked discipline in so many aspects of my life that have caused me so many tears and regretful moments. 

How funny but unsurprising that it was easy for me to think of a huge list of what I need to improve on, but difficult to think of aspects I liked about myself. Is this human nature? To never be pleased with yourself? It took me a good three minutes to even think of one personality trait or action that I appreciate from myself. Shows how I see myself, and how I consistently view myself in such a negative light.

Maybe the Jessica right now is not someone I particularly like. But that will be changed. And how can I expect other people to like me if I don't even like me? I might be afraid of change, especially change that involves reinventing myself. It's time for me to get over my fear, and take the time to improve myself through constant practice of things I am passionate about. 

Bring it, 2014. 

Am I doing the right thing?

My fall quarter final exams have officially come to an end. Moment entering exam: I can handle this. I've spent countless hours solidifying my understanding of the material. Walking out of exam: Eyes are disoriented, face expressionless, and ultimately looking like a defeated soldier.

Many college students may be able to empathize with me on those cringe-worthy post-final exam moments. Those moments are worthy of great reflection and pondering. It makes me question whether or not I made the right decision to apply to college as an Electrical Engineering major, and if deciding to stick with engineering was a wise decision. All throughout last year, my emotions surrounding my decision to pursue engineering were contradicting on entirely different ends of the spectrum. Sometimes I felt incredibly inspired by the progress and incredible changes engineering has brought to our culture. Google Doodles' Grace Hopper feature gave me the necessary motivation to discipline myself and surge through studying for my exams. Other times, I feel completely out of place. Despite focusing every ounce of energy to the professor during lecture, reviewing and previewing material, and sacrificing sleep to further my studies, I constantly feel unable to master course material. I thought this was a plague for my first year of college, but even as I complete one quarter of my second year, I'm uneasy.

I started this quarter feeling motivated. I was excited to take my first class that began with the label "Electrical Engineering" and believed I had developed better habits and learned lessons from my previous year in college. And now, at the end of fall quarter, I still question whether or not all these struggles with few desirable results are worthwhile of my time and endeavors. It's no secret that engineering school has the reputation of being strenuous and arduous. Some people find it worthwhile. Others wish they had chosen a different career path. Me? I don't know. My feelings vary on a weekly basis. From experience, I have no doubt that there is no satisfaction or joy in a task until I have accomplished it and can perform it to the best of my ability. But being in the fast-paced quarter system, understanding a plethora of physical, mathematical, and circuitry phenomena in a short 10 weeks and being expected to retain this information with only partial understanding are not reasonable goals I should be setting for myself. Moreover, being female in a primarily male-dominated field further increases the chances of my discouragement. There are countless moments in this quarter when I look around my EE class, see no more than 8 other women in the classroom, notice male students staring at female students, and feel ridiculously self-conscious.

After every final exam this week, I have stopped to take some time to worry about the future and connect it to the pathetic and glorious acts I have done in the past. Finals are supposed to be the time for me to concentrate on mastering what I've learned this quarter, but the stress that comes with it has only made me worry more about everything other than finals themselves. I've craved therapeutically blogging and writing in my journal for the past two weeks, but incessant worrying under the demand to study for exams have caused me to become fuzzy-headed and even more conflicted.

But if I were to drastically change my life path, wouldn't I have more challenges to face? More complaints? Wishing I had done this instead of that?

Time to focus on the present and take one step at a time. I need to take baby steps and re-evaluate myself.

The worst part is realizing (as I wrote the previous sentence) how many times I have told myself that I need to re-evaluate each little choice I make in life that can boil the strongest emotions within me.

It's like a never-ending cycle.