2 Big Lessons from this past year

As I delve deeper into my undergraduate studies and life, I am learning to acknowledge my happiness. We've all heard it: humans are emotional creatures and tend to dwell on the setbacks and hardships while seldom acknowledging the moments when we are truly happy and content.

To (rather unfairly) simplify a painful and very complex personal experience: about a year ago, my collegiate life was heading downhill. I felt as if everything were slowly falling apart. Daily rivers of tears accompanied the extreme frustration with school. It all spiraled into emotional instability, and it's still difficult for me to admit that almost all of this unhappiness stemmed from academics. I became so disinterested in the academic content that I eventually lost motivation to learn and put in effort. Coupled with the disinterest were high-level challenges from the abstract subject matter of my major at the time. I put academics before all (after all, the ultimate goal in college is to receive a degree in something that I desire to specialize in). This top priority turned from intense curiosity and passion to depression and self-loathing, obvious portents of a need for massive change.

Just a few days ago, I began to acknowledge my happy moments. That led to realizing that I am actually a pretty awesome person - and I had never felt this awesome before because I failed to recognize my victories, especially the small ones that are easily overlooked. I then began to fathom why I am able to feel so much happier now, and this falls under two big umbrellas.

(1) My previously dominant emotional struggles and self-loathing now give me strength.
I've always known that hardships allow people to feel much more prepared for future challenges. However, what surprised me most were my recent acknowledgements of "Wow, I know I would not be this happy and, most importantly, grateful in my new major (more generally, academic department) had I not suffered immensely a year ago." I feel strongest and most self-assured when I am genuinely happy. So many times, I had wished that all the disparities had never happened, but I can't disparage what happened a year ago. Because I was completely downcast and inconsolable, I am now able to sincerely appreciate the smallest moments of bliss and euphoria that cross my path, because hey - almost anything beats those days of self-loathing.

(2) I surround myself with both "right and wrong" people, and both are equally important.
Friends come and go, but sometimes, it can take an entire year or more to understand someone on an authentic level. I discovered that some people are not who I thought they were, and others are so much more compassionate and kind than the person I first knew.

I have two really kindhearted roommates. We all look out for each other, provide mutual support, and live off a code of blatant honesty. This has allowed us to cut out the nonsense and pointless squabbles that may accompany living with close friends. They are my sisters. They can see right through me and know that the truth is exponentially more powerful than any lie. Surprisingly, when I first met them both, I had never thought that I would meet them again.

I have also grown closer with someone I met about a year ago. I am forever indebted to this individual. He and I met through his roommate and surprisingly, our friendship launched through sarcastic humor and a stuffed animal wombat. Throughout most of last year, we exchanged countless laughs; I always loved his company. It was not until the start of this school-year when I came to terms with how much I respected his commitment to his word, ability to not only hear but also to listen, open heart, and generous nature. He is a person whose actions speak louder than his words - and they represent him in a positive light. It is so refreshing to know that there are individuals who value what is important to both themselves and others, and know how to listen. And slowly but surely, I'm learning to become a better listener as well.

After dealing with combative people, gratefulness comes so much more naturally. I am learning so much about myself and the person I strive to be.

More importantly, I am able to acknowledge myself and my own happiness.

the real focus / reflections of one year in college

A lot can happen within 8-9 months in school. My first year in college was primarily a learning experience -- one that proved very different from that of high school.

In high school, there was typically a direct correlation between hard work and the letter grade earned in a class. I grew up with that mentality, believing that the work I put in would usually reflect the rewarding grade an instructor gives in return. For me, college became a whole different story. "Learning" became rather burdensome, because there seemed to be no correlation between my effort put in and the grades I received. 

Adjusting to the quarter system itself was a huge challenge. The fast pace and constant testing of the quarter system took me by surprise. Small sidetrack: I have very conflicted feelings about the quarter system. Yes, it forces students to complete courses at a faster rate, but merely 10 weeks to digest brand new material is unfathomable for me. Now, I can hardly remember much about Schrodinger's equation, one of the main topics of discussion in my chemistry class during fall quarter. Yet, on the other hand, this rapid learning process has been training my brain to process new information more efficiently. 

I find it interesting (and disappointing) that it took me quite a while to grasp one very, very important aspect of my academic career: focus on learning, not on the grade. This may seem obvious, but it is frightening how easily my fear of failure can overtake and cause me to underestimate the educational process and focus solely on the product. In college, people around me all seemed to be very high achievers, and understanding new material clearly proved more difficult for me than others. The thought of letter grades consumed me, and I became so focused on the small, printed letters on my transcript. Academics became an onus as I lost interest in the topics discussed in class. Some professors taunted students about their grading policies and high expectations, and  certain TAs didn't make the process any more bearable.  

Slowly but surely, the prospect of being in school to learn something worthwhile in college rather than feeling miserable over grades dawned on me. Part of this epiphany came from my volunteer work with BEAM, an outreach group on campus. Every week, I teach a basic science concept to a group of young elementary school students, then perform an experiment with them to encourage active participation in their education. Their intelligence and eagerness to understand the ubiquity of science is contagious. I noted how I lacked their enthusiasm and interest when it came to learning. Enlightening these kids about science is one thing, but they served as an encouraging beacon of hope in my life during my academic crisis. They made me realize I need to change my attitude and mindset towards school. 

I'm slowly adjusting back to a student lifestyle that makes me happier. In spring quarter, I finally borrowed a book from the college library for casual reading, something I had not done for a long time. I started writing in my journal again. I fostered a higher sense of curiosity towards material in my classes and its applications. Talking with upperclassmen and approachable professors put me at ease. I continue to remind myself that I am in school to learn material and discover my interests rather than be judged on a letter grade. 

On the other hand, I have made so many incredible friends who continue to inspire me to keep fighting through the most difficult of times, even when it is beyond tempting to quit. We laugh about things most people wouldn't understand: my apparent addiction for bananas (at one point, I consumed three bananas in a row), my insistence on eating oatmeal with soy milk and wheat bread for breakfast (and how I can never skip breakfast), our love for charming Pokemon stuffed animals, giving ourselves special superpowers like characters in Avatar: The Last Air-bender, making plans to lounge around at McDonald's and a 24-hour Wal-mart,  and wishing we had some dainty Despicable Me minions with us. Pretty much, there is always uncontrollable laughter. 

I'm considered a seal and my friend a bunny ("weird" doesn't even begin to describe this). Seals and bunnies can certainly be best buds! Tong, thank you for drawing me this and forming a smile on my face every time I see this.

As summer classes continue and with fall quarter looming around the quarter, I'm both anxious and excited (but mostly excited) to see what surprises I have in store for myself with the decisions I make and the actions I take.