Almost 2014.

"If you try, you are leagues ahead of any other person who wants to do it but is afraid to." 

- Anna Akana 

If there's anything I've realized these past few days, I've realized that change is scary. Or, in my current condition, that the decision to make change happen is scary. I can only hope that my choice - though it is a safer, less risky choice - will bring me in the right direction.  

I like the New Year. It's a fresh feeling, and as fake and excuse-filled the "New Year, clean slate" theory may sound (I mean, come on. Let's face it. Our past will always come back and haunt us, and the difference between 11:59PM and 12:00AM from December 31 to January 1 doesn't exactly reinvent me as an individual), it still gives me great hope. I feel extra motivated and pumped to actually achieve something when January 1 rolls around. So why not take advantage of my extra energy? Nothing wrong with that.

I spent some time today writing down things I like about myself, things I want to improve on, and then forming my overarching New Year's Resolution: to exercise more self-control. Don't act on emotion, and especially don't let frustration overcome you and take over your decisions in the spur of the moment. In every small action I take, even small things such as eating, studying, and everyday interactions with friends/strangers, I need to be able to discipline myself. I've lacked discipline in so many aspects of my life that have caused me so many tears and regretful moments. 

How funny but unsurprising that it was easy for me to think of a huge list of what I need to improve on, but difficult to think of aspects I liked about myself. Is this human nature? To never be pleased with yourself? It took me a good three minutes to even think of one personality trait or action that I appreciate from myself. Shows how I see myself, and how I consistently view myself in such a negative light.

Maybe the Jessica right now is not someone I particularly like. But that will be changed. And how can I expect other people to like me if I don't even like me? I might be afraid of change, especially change that involves reinventing myself. It's time for me to get over my fear, and take the time to improve myself through constant practice of things I am passionate about. 

Bring it, 2014. 

Am I doing the right thing?

My fall quarter final exams have officially come to an end. Moment entering exam: I can handle this. I've spent countless hours solidifying my understanding of the material. Walking out of exam: Eyes are disoriented, face expressionless, and ultimately looking like a defeated soldier.

Many college students may be able to empathize with me on those cringe-worthy post-final exam moments. Those moments are worthy of great reflection and pondering. It makes me question whether or not I made the right decision to apply to college as an Electrical Engineering major, and if deciding to stick with engineering was a wise decision. All throughout last year, my emotions surrounding my decision to pursue engineering were contradicting on entirely different ends of the spectrum. Sometimes I felt incredibly inspired by the progress and incredible changes engineering has brought to our culture. Google Doodles' Grace Hopper feature gave me the necessary motivation to discipline myself and surge through studying for my exams. Other times, I feel completely out of place. Despite focusing every ounce of energy to the professor during lecture, reviewing and previewing material, and sacrificing sleep to further my studies, I constantly feel unable to master course material. I thought this was a plague for my first year of college, but even as I complete one quarter of my second year, I'm uneasy.

I started this quarter feeling motivated. I was excited to take my first class that began with the label "Electrical Engineering" and believed I had developed better habits and learned lessons from my previous year in college. And now, at the end of fall quarter, I still question whether or not all these struggles with few desirable results are worthwhile of my time and endeavors. It's no secret that engineering school has the reputation of being strenuous and arduous. Some people find it worthwhile. Others wish they had chosen a different career path. Me? I don't know. My feelings vary on a weekly basis. From experience, I have no doubt that there is no satisfaction or joy in a task until I have accomplished it and can perform it to the best of my ability. But being in the fast-paced quarter system, understanding a plethora of physical, mathematical, and circuitry phenomena in a short 10 weeks and being expected to retain this information with only partial understanding are not reasonable goals I should be setting for myself. Moreover, being female in a primarily male-dominated field further increases the chances of my discouragement. There are countless moments in this quarter when I look around my EE class, see no more than 8 other women in the classroom, notice male students staring at female students, and feel ridiculously self-conscious.

After every final exam this week, I have stopped to take some time to worry about the future and connect it to the pathetic and glorious acts I have done in the past. Finals are supposed to be the time for me to concentrate on mastering what I've learned this quarter, but the stress that comes with it has only made me worry more about everything other than finals themselves. I've craved therapeutically blogging and writing in my journal for the past two weeks, but incessant worrying under the demand to study for exams have caused me to become fuzzy-headed and even more conflicted.

But if I were to drastically change my life path, wouldn't I have more challenges to face? More complaints? Wishing I had done this instead of that?

Time to focus on the present and take one step at a time. I need to take baby steps and re-evaluate myself.

The worst part is realizing (as I wrote the previous sentence) how many times I have told myself that I need to re-evaluate each little choice I make in life that can boil the strongest emotions within me.

It's like a never-ending cycle.