2 Big Lessons from this past year

As I delve deeper into my undergraduate studies and life, I am learning to acknowledge my happiness. We've all heard it: humans are emotional creatures and tend to dwell on the setbacks and hardships while seldom acknowledging the moments when we are truly happy and content.

To (rather unfairly) simplify a painful and very complex personal experience: about a year ago, my collegiate life was heading downhill. I felt as if everything were slowly falling apart. Daily rivers of tears accompanied the extreme frustration with school. It all spiraled into emotional instability, and it's still difficult for me to admit that almost all of this unhappiness stemmed from academics. I became so disinterested in the academic content that I eventually lost motivation to learn and put in effort. Coupled with the disinterest were high-level challenges from the abstract subject matter of my major at the time. I put academics before all (after all, the ultimate goal in college is to receive a degree in something that I desire to specialize in). This top priority turned from intense curiosity and passion to depression and self-loathing, obvious portents of a need for massive change.

Just a few days ago, I began to acknowledge my happy moments. That led to realizing that I am actually a pretty awesome person - and I had never felt this awesome before because I failed to recognize my victories, especially the small ones that are easily overlooked. I then began to fathom why I am able to feel so much happier now, and this falls under two big umbrellas.

(1) My previously dominant emotional struggles and self-loathing now give me strength.
I've always known that hardships allow people to feel much more prepared for future challenges. However, what surprised me most were my recent acknowledgements of "Wow, I know I would not be this happy and, most importantly, grateful in my new major (more generally, academic department) had I not suffered immensely a year ago." I feel strongest and most self-assured when I am genuinely happy. So many times, I had wished that all the disparities had never happened, but I can't disparage what happened a year ago. Because I was completely downcast and inconsolable, I am now able to sincerely appreciate the smallest moments of bliss and euphoria that cross my path, because hey - almost anything beats those days of self-loathing.

(2) I surround myself with both "right and wrong" people, and both are equally important.
Friends come and go, but sometimes, it can take an entire year or more to understand someone on an authentic level. I discovered that some people are not who I thought they were, and others are so much more compassionate and kind than the person I first knew.

I have two really kindhearted roommates. We all look out for each other, provide mutual support, and live off a code of blatant honesty. This has allowed us to cut out the nonsense and pointless squabbles that may accompany living with close friends. They are my sisters. They can see right through me and know that the truth is exponentially more powerful than any lie. Surprisingly, when I first met them both, I had never thought that I would meet them again.

I have also grown closer with someone I met about a year ago. I am forever indebted to this individual. He and I met through his roommate and surprisingly, our friendship launched through sarcastic humor and a stuffed animal wombat. Throughout most of last year, we exchanged countless laughs; I always loved his company. It was not until the start of this school-year when I came to terms with how much I respected his commitment to his word, ability to not only hear but also to listen, open heart, and generous nature. He is a person whose actions speak louder than his words - and they represent him in a positive light. It is so refreshing to know that there are individuals who value what is important to both themselves and others, and know how to listen. And slowly but surely, I'm learning to become a better listener as well.

After dealing with combative people, gratefulness comes so much more naturally. I am learning so much about myself and the person I strive to be.

More importantly, I am able to acknowledge myself and my own happiness.

Lessons from a new (and unexpected) friend

In addition to my trip to Alaska and Canada, another great highlight of summer was working as an office assistant at a home services company in my town. As someone who is slightly fidgety and constantly moving, I wasn't very accustomed to long hours of sitting. However, I gradually adjusted and learned to sit for longer periods of time in the office while coordinating real estate inquiries among agents, buyers, and sellers. I became familiar with many of the agents, who loved the presence of a collegiate young adult and grabbed every chance to give me personalized advice about my future and career. Of all these interactions, I grew closest with the office bookkeeper, a lovely woman named Dolores.

On my first day of work, Dolores was waiting for me at the front desk with a toothy smile. She gave me an office tour and a thorough training for all my tasks. Each subsequent day I showed up to work, she'd come greet me with the same bright, toothy smile and tell me a bunch of stories. I'd hear about what she ate for breakfast with her husband, how she painfully fell down a staircase and bruised her knee, her get-togethers with friends, family life, previous jobs, generation differences... the list goes on and on. Initially, I thought of this as a mentor-like relationship. Dolores is like a sweet grandmother watching out for the new employee in the office. However, as the days went by and the conversations continued, I noticed how much more comfortable I became. It wasn't as if I were speaking with a superior or an adult; I felt as if I were talking to one of my peers.  

Even at her age, Dolores is able to find joy in small things. She is happy to pick up her granddaughter from school. She loves making special breakfasts with eggs and English Muffins. She savors great moments with her friends, even visiting them out-of-state. She may be a grandmother, but she's still so youthful. I'm reminded of the guarded person I tend to be and remember that I have to learn to say yes more often. Some of the friendships with other females can be the greatest friendships I will form, and one day, like Dolores, I will be able to cherish the longevity of great friendships I may form with more smiles and more yes. When I'm older, I hope to be as bubbly and wonderful as Dolores is.

Receiving a small farewell gift from her on my last day of work was so heartwarming. Her gift was also extremely thoughtful. She got me some handy and portable Avon products that I can use whenever I am on campus. Little actions like these can truly make someone feel extremely touched. She even wrapped it in a cute pink tissue paper held by a beautiful bag with a yellow ribbon plastered on.

"May new friends always cherish you the way your old friends do....

May you always find the joys you're dreaming of." 

-Excerpt from Dolores' card

Dolores was the friend I did not expect to make this summer. But she has been such a gift, and I am so grateful to have met her. I can't wait until I have my own paycheck to be able to treat her out to a delicious meal and share more laughs.

Katty Kay & Claire Shipman's "The Confidence Code" and Sheryl Sandberg's "Lean In"

Ever since summer classes ended, I've taken on a 9-5 part-time job that involves a lot of sitting and idleness. The most natural response for me was to read, and I have never charged my Kindle Paperwhite this excessively before. Of the last four books I've completed, three of them were nonfiction. I now have a lassitude toward fiction. As creative and imaginative as writers are with fiction, fiction makes me sad for obvious reasons.

I surprised myself as I completed each nonfiction work, especially since I used to be addicted to sci-fi and fantasy themed novels (can we say Harry Potter, please). Nonfiction has motivated me towards active self-improvement and diverts my attention towards real life as I learn about the real human condition. Brain Rules, The Confidence Code, and Lean In each provided unique perspectives about social issues prominent in the United States today. The former two especially use a scientific storytelling method to while discussing social implications. All three have strong and salient plots that educate and engage me. I couldn't help but wonder why professors don't assign these sorts of books for class textbooks. Textbooks are made to solely inform; these books are both empathetic with the human condition and informative while backed with extensive research studies to expand upon their points. Brain Rules especially had challenging but plausible suggestions for improving work life and the education system to create a better learning environment, and I loved Medina's proposals.

I'm glad I read The Confidence Code and Lean In back-to-back. They complement each other perfectly. Merely reading them already boosted my confidence level significantly. Throughout college, I've experienced several moments of extreme self-esteem drops (roll through some old posts and it'll make sense). Despite interminable personal lectures, emotional outbursts, and excessive journaling, I never seemed to get out of my I-am-going-to-suck-at-life shell that I refused to leave these past two years, especially as a female in a male-dominated field. Just last month, I was lying on the floor in my room and complaining to my mom about how I felt like I had no future. There were some legit first-world problems. Am I overloading my work for this coming school year? What activities do I participate in this time? What do I do after I graduate college? What if no man I like ever wants to date me, which means what if I'm single forever and never married? Am I still afraid of academic failure despite all I've gone through?

Hearing stories from three women who have experienced defeating moments themselves and learned to stand back up encouraged me more than any pep talk a friend or parent could give. It strikes me as hilariously sad how I would hear the exact same advice told in everyday language from someone I know and be unable to implement it, but read the advice in books published by reputable individuals and suddenly feel slightly braver. Here are some of my favorite moments from The Confidence Code and Lean In:

Mastery refers to the process and progress, not perfection.
"Perfectionism inhibits achievement."
Confidence is leaving your comfort zone and taking action. Do it.
Courage is a critical partner to confidence.
Overthinking, people pleasing, and the inability to let go of defeats are confidence killers.
"Dare the difference."
"Fortune favors the bold."
"What would you do if you weren't afraid? Go do it."
"The upside for painful knowledge is so much greater than the downside of blissful ignorance."

"Success is making the best choices we can...and accepting them."

"I truly believe that the single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is. I don't know one woman in a leadership position whose life partner is not fully - and I mean fully - supportive of her career. No exceptions."

It strikes me that these concepts are widely accepted yet forgotten. It took two entire books to instill a different mindset within. I don't have enough self-compassion. I strive for perfectionism not because I want to be the very best at what I do, but because I always falsely believed that what I did wasn't good enough. Sheryl Sandberg suggests adopting both a long-term dream and a shorter, say 18-month plan. When coming up with these, set goals that have both "focus and flexibility," she emphasizes. It is then when I come to realize that my goals are either too out of my reach or too doable. There wasn't something appropriate for me to work towards. (But of course, in my head, it all had made sense initially.)

These past few weeks, I've voluntarily done things I usually don't do - broke a little bit of my routine actions - and it feels great. These don't even have to be big, daunting changes; they just have to be small things that I don't usually take the effort to try doing. Initiating to drive the freeway to be a better freeway driver so my dad doesn't feel the need to yell while I'm emotionally struggling in the car. Cooking and experimenting with new foods. Working out first thing in the morning at 6am. Asking questions that I may have been afraid to ask before.

At the end of the day, I learn how to better ignore other people's opinions and just keep going. Confidence and being unfazed by other irrelevant opinions come hand in hand. Slowly but surely, I'm getting there.

Thank you Katty Kay, Claire Shipman, and Sheryl Sandberg. Your words are indelible and have left a great, positive impact. 

the evolution of me

I was rereading my old journal entries and noticed a trend. At the beginning of every new notebook, I start off with optimism and some great paragraph about the refreshing nature of starting a new notebook. It's extremely neat, and every inch of the page is filled. Then, as I proceed throughout the rest of the notebook, the writing becomes messier, there's more attitude and UMPH to my personality, and basically, I become more unfiltered. Some pages are vulgar. Others are show extreme passion about a particular subject. Usually, I sound overly critical and self-deprecating.

Throughout Vol. 1, I continuously write about my goal of sleeping early and rising early. I laugh as I read that now, because I never truly implemented that until this spring. Then there's the issue of self-control. I swear I read the sentence "I lack self-control"at least ten times within fifteen pages. Following that is usually "I must maintain control" or "I must learn control in order to feel like a civilized human being." Mastered it? Nope, self-control is so not in control. Still learning (and probably always will be). And the worst parts of reading this is how obnoxiously dumb I sounded when I wrote about the male species. Oh yes, it happened. The naivete, jealousy, and disoriented realities? Thinking about it makes me cringe. More cringing to commence in future volumes. I excuse myself as I think of the horrid person I was during my first year of college, clearly incompetently transitioning from high school.

Writing in Vol. 2 is the first time I relished in writing in a composition book instead of a spiral bound notebook. Small, strange things like these still excite me. Vol.2 is filled with grotesque complains about running an organization with incompetent staff. Short stories proliferate these pages. There is brainstorming about fantastic sci-fi plots, highlighting main characters and superpowers. There are beautiful words I jot down when reading a novel. Some of the best quotes from peeps, especially Natalie and Leah ("I tried to catch the fog, but I mist. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job? She couldn't control her pupils. I'm a fermata. Hold me"). Extensive complaints about academics. I consistently and philosophically question morality and the meaning of life.

Now, I'm currently halfway through Vol. 3 (already waiting for the moment when I can whip out a new notebook in a few months). So far, it is mostly filled with some of my favorite quotes I read from great novels and hear from inspiring TED Talks (my favorite so far: "Expected the unexpected, and wherever possible, be the unexpected"). I write about things I feel proud of, and things I need to work on. I continuously remind myself to not care, or at least care a lot less, about what other people think of me. I describe new people I meet, and treasure the genuine moments I have with others. That wonderful feeling of being able to talk for a couple hours with someone I've truly come to respect, admire, and empathize with.

If someone has never met me and only read my journal, that person would likely find me pessimistic and blunt. But isn't that what a journal is for? Journals record my innermost thoughts that simply cannot be transferred through sound waves or understood by another person. It's for me to look back at and laugh at a younger, less mature me, or to realize that I haven't grown at all and should probably go partake in more worldly activities. Journals reflect the worst in me, and sometimes, the best.

I wish I had written during high school. I can't imagine the bizarre things I would have written then, and it would be nice to see how my mind has been molded since.

Circular schooling

 From Ideas for Improving Science Education

"I would change that to a system where we reward mastery of the subject matter, rather than grading on a curve... We are wasting a lot of human potential." 

- John Matsui

"We need to create opportunities to excite students about how math and science connect to real life." 

- Freedman A. Hrabowski III

"We'd like kids to learn how to solve hard problems and what it takes to pull off a complex endeavor, how to plan, collaborate, fail and not give up."

- Paulo Blikstein 

"Science with humanity is googol times more amazing... I'd like to see STEM turned into STEAM."
- John Maeda

the real focus / reflections of one year in college

A lot can happen within 8-9 months in school. My first year in college was primarily a learning experience -- one that proved very different from that of high school.

In high school, there was typically a direct correlation between hard work and the letter grade earned in a class. I grew up with that mentality, believing that the work I put in would usually reflect the rewarding grade an instructor gives in return. For me, college became a whole different story. "Learning" became rather burdensome, because there seemed to be no correlation between my effort put in and the grades I received. 

Adjusting to the quarter system itself was a huge challenge. The fast pace and constant testing of the quarter system took me by surprise. Small sidetrack: I have very conflicted feelings about the quarter system. Yes, it forces students to complete courses at a faster rate, but merely 10 weeks to digest brand new material is unfathomable for me. Now, I can hardly remember much about Schrodinger's equation, one of the main topics of discussion in my chemistry class during fall quarter. Yet, on the other hand, this rapid learning process has been training my brain to process new information more efficiently. 

I find it interesting (and disappointing) that it took me quite a while to grasp one very, very important aspect of my academic career: focus on learning, not on the grade. This may seem obvious, but it is frightening how easily my fear of failure can overtake and cause me to underestimate the educational process and focus solely on the product. In college, people around me all seemed to be very high achievers, and understanding new material clearly proved more difficult for me than others. The thought of letter grades consumed me, and I became so focused on the small, printed letters on my transcript. Academics became an onus as I lost interest in the topics discussed in class. Some professors taunted students about their grading policies and high expectations, and  certain TAs didn't make the process any more bearable.  

Slowly but surely, the prospect of being in school to learn something worthwhile in college rather than feeling miserable over grades dawned on me. Part of this epiphany came from my volunteer work with BEAM, an outreach group on campus. Every week, I teach a basic science concept to a group of young elementary school students, then perform an experiment with them to encourage active participation in their education. Their intelligence and eagerness to understand the ubiquity of science is contagious. I noted how I lacked their enthusiasm and interest when it came to learning. Enlightening these kids about science is one thing, but they served as an encouraging beacon of hope in my life during my academic crisis. They made me realize I need to change my attitude and mindset towards school. 

I'm slowly adjusting back to a student lifestyle that makes me happier. In spring quarter, I finally borrowed a book from the college library for casual reading, something I had not done for a long time. I started writing in my journal again. I fostered a higher sense of curiosity towards material in my classes and its applications. Talking with upperclassmen and approachable professors put me at ease. I continue to remind myself that I am in school to learn material and discover my interests rather than be judged on a letter grade. 

On the other hand, I have made so many incredible friends who continue to inspire me to keep fighting through the most difficult of times, even when it is beyond tempting to quit. We laugh about things most people wouldn't understand: my apparent addiction for bananas (at one point, I consumed three bananas in a row), my insistence on eating oatmeal with soy milk and wheat bread for breakfast (and how I can never skip breakfast), our love for charming Pokemon stuffed animals, giving ourselves special superpowers like characters in Avatar: The Last Air-bender, making plans to lounge around at McDonald's and a 24-hour Wal-mart,  and wishing we had some dainty Despicable Me minions with us. Pretty much, there is always uncontrollable laughter. 

I'm considered a seal and my friend a bunny ("weird" doesn't even begin to describe this). Seals and bunnies can certainly be best buds! Tong, thank you for drawing me this and forming a smile on my face every time I see this.

As summer classes continue and with fall quarter looming around the quarter, I'm both anxious and excited (but mostly excited) to see what surprises I have in store for myself with the decisions I make and the actions I take.