Almost 2014.

"If you try, you are leagues ahead of any other person who wants to do it but is afraid to." 

- Anna Akana 

If there's anything I've realized these past few days, I've realized that change is scary. Or, in my current condition, that the decision to make change happen is scary. I can only hope that my choice - though it is a safer, less risky choice - will bring me in the right direction.  

I like the New Year. It's a fresh feeling, and as fake and excuse-filled the "New Year, clean slate" theory may sound (I mean, come on. Let's face it. Our past will always come back and haunt us, and the difference between 11:59PM and 12:00AM from December 31 to January 1 doesn't exactly reinvent me as an individual), it still gives me great hope. I feel extra motivated and pumped to actually achieve something when January 1 rolls around. So why not take advantage of my extra energy? Nothing wrong with that.

I spent some time today writing down things I like about myself, things I want to improve on, and then forming my overarching New Year's Resolution: to exercise more self-control. Don't act on emotion, and especially don't let frustration overcome you and take over your decisions in the spur of the moment. In every small action I take, even small things such as eating, studying, and everyday interactions with friends/strangers, I need to be able to discipline myself. I've lacked discipline in so many aspects of my life that have caused me so many tears and regretful moments. 

How funny but unsurprising that it was easy for me to think of a huge list of what I need to improve on, but difficult to think of aspects I liked about myself. Is this human nature? To never be pleased with yourself? It took me a good three minutes to even think of one personality trait or action that I appreciate from myself. Shows how I see myself, and how I consistently view myself in such a negative light.

Maybe the Jessica right now is not someone I particularly like. But that will be changed. And how can I expect other people to like me if I don't even like me? I might be afraid of change, especially change that involves reinventing myself. It's time for me to get over my fear, and take the time to improve myself through constant practice of things I am passionate about. 

Bring it, 2014.