"you don't have to choose between being scientific and being compassionate." -Robert Sapolsky

I have been fascinated by the human mind throughout my life. I grew up believing in the trite phrase "mind over matter" was 100% applicable to my struggles. Despite having that level of self-awareness, I was not able to fully peel back the layers behind my enigmatic and often refraining thoughts until I was in my early 20s.

Behave brings both science and humanity to the forefront of civilization, showing both the good and terrible things people are capable of doing. This book is fascinating and informative that it may as well be the "Behavior-Bible-for-nonbiologists." I've been rereading dense sections and critically grapple with how the research and anecdotes reflect the decisions that I make and have made in my own life.

I can reread this book several times and, I bet, digest new information each time. My ultimate takeaway this round: there are countless factors we cannot control which influenced our brain development as children; however, with awareness of all this complexity, we can, through experience and neuroplasticity, change ourselves, and thus change the worldview.

Some ideas and stories that sparked my curiosity:

• Sustained stress decreases our ability to process new information, therefore creating tendencies to act on old (and probably lousy) habits, as well as conform. It makes me wonder... are there studies that have "measured" chronic stress? 
• Us/Them-ing is an emotional and automatic reaction that occurs in milliseconds prior to our conscious awareness.
• Moral intuitions are a result of repeated experience and learning which, overtime, become automatic. Doing the right thing can be the easier thing if we exercise "doing the right thing" enough. 
• "The peril of empathy isn't simply that it can make us feel bad, but that it can make us feel good, which can in turn encourage us to think of empathy as an end in itself rather than part of a process, a catalyst." In other words, don't let yourself be a feelings sponge and wind up protecting yourself from feeling so strongly that no action is taken.

Given this 700-paged summary of human behavior and the brain, it is evident that the factors which determine our worst behaviors can also be forces for some of our finest behaviors. Armed with this knowledge, I am determined to move forward with even greater self-awareness (although I may never get to the bottom of the truth as to why I harbor certain perceptions, I know I have the capability to be better), and to remember that all the people who offend and hurt me are still fundamentally just like me. We are products of events that occurred prior to our birth, environment, and an abundance of factors out of our control. We simply do what we can in this particular stage of our life. 

A Eulogy

I've been thinking more about death lately. All living things will die; yet mortality is not something many people work through as they would their diet and exercise regime and clothes they wear to work. This past year has been the greatest year of growth in terms of reflection, self-awareness, and acting on my self-awareness, and I strive to continue leveling up in this realm of my life.

For many eulogy writing prompts online, the prompt tends to say: when I am gone, how would I want people to remember me? But the question I pose is: how would I want to remember myself, if I were taking my very last breaths? It is a very subtle phrasing difference; the former places more emphasis on what others think of me, while the latter is on what I think of me. What fundamentally makes me happy and proud to be Jessica Lin? The train of thoughts continue below...

• She created peace in her own heart with herself and in her relationships despite the noise and frenzy of the world constantly taking peace away
• She was present and 500% focused on the situation before her
• She was an intent listener; others felt heard and seen in her presence 
• Loving. Thoughtful. 
• She showed detached empathy (more on detached empathy for another post; the idea is to not be so overwhelmed by emotion in empathy, which I am 100% guilty of, that it results in not being prosocial) 
• She had strong, kind, and contagiously good energy
• She was someone who earned things, not someone who took things
• She was unapologetically herself because she knew. who. she. was.  

I feel so vulnerable and emotional typing this up. I am reminded of the many years I spent in school feeling insecure and lost... seeing other girls in the gym locker room whispering about the way I looked, eating lunch alone because I didn't know how to approach people I wanted to talk to, letting social media dictate my worth, confusion about what I wanted to study in college, the pressure of leading a specific lifestyle that others wanted, questioning purpose and passion, craving acceptance from my peers, beating myself up for stupid things I said and mistakes I made, crying buckets of tears in front of my graduate school advisor because of the overwhelming stress and grad school toxicity, blaming myself for a dishonest ex-boyfriend...

I used to wish that I never had these painful experiences, but now, I wouldn't go back and change a thing. I don't feel shame about my past anymore. It is just so strange to look at what I used to care so much about and compare it to the person I want to remember myself for. I want to develop strong, meaningful relationships. I want to be unshakeable in a society that is slowly taking away the core of people's fundamental goodness. Every living thing on this planet has experienced sunrise and sunset. As the sun sets, all the embarrassment and disappointments with the day sets along with it; the sun reignites and rises the next morning and spreads its rays to remind each of us that we possess the energy to be the best we can be in that moment for that day, and to continue growing with each sunrise.

I really don't care for having conventional "success" or superficially "having it all" on the outside. Knowing and loving your heart, and continuously sharing the energy in your heart... that is the most important.

Thus, I ask myself every night... did you love the person you were today?