Whenever children feel insecure or unhappy about themselves, adults often give them the cliché and unhelpful answer, "Be yourself. Do you. If others don't like the way you are, then that's their issue." I somewhat agree. We can't live to please other people. Nor can we expect everyone else to like us unconditionally. However, the statement "Be yourself" gives off an implication that individuals should not bother changing anything about themselves. It almost denounces change as an unnecessary happening in life. For some individuals, "Be yourself" serves as a temporary confidence-booster - and this confidence will only be shattered later.
Sometimes, when other people don't like me, it often indicates that there is an aspect of my personality, demeanor, and vibe that strikes them negatively. Might I be mistaking my arrogance for unwavering confidence? Am I naturally a pessimistic and toxic person to be around? These are all personality defects that I believe can be molded in any individual. The phrase "Be yourself"requires great refinement. Yes, be yourself in striving to create yourself as a person who is prideful and worthwhile. But if you don't like yourself, change is a good thing - and you can change yourself to be someone that you love.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Almost 2014.
"If you try, you are leagues ahead of any other person who wants to do it but is afraid to."
- Anna Akana
If there's anything I've realized these past few days, I've realized that change is scary. Or, in my current condition, that the decision to make change happen is scary. I can only hope that my choice - though it is a safer, less risky choice - will bring me in the right direction.
I like the New Year. It's a fresh feeling, and as fake and excuse-filled the "New Year, clean slate" theory may sound (I mean, come on. Let's face it. Our past will always come back and haunt us, and the difference between 11:59PM and 12:00AM from December 31 to January 1 doesn't exactly reinvent me as an individual), it still gives me great hope. I feel extra motivated and pumped to actually achieve something when January 1 rolls around. So why not take advantage of my extra energy? Nothing wrong with that.
I spent some time today writing down things I like about myself, things I want to improve on, and then forming my overarching New Year's Resolution: to exercise more self-control. Don't act on emotion, and especially don't let frustration overcome you and take over your decisions in the spur of the moment. In every small action I take, even small things such as eating, studying, and everyday interactions with friends/strangers, I need to be able to discipline myself. I've lacked discipline in so many aspects of my life that have caused me so many tears and regretful moments.
How funny but unsurprising that it was easy for me to think of a huge list of what I need to improve on, but difficult to think of aspects I liked about myself. Is this human nature? To never be pleased with yourself? It took me a good three minutes to even think of one personality trait or action that I appreciate from myself. Shows how I see myself, and how I consistently view myself in such a negative light.
Maybe the Jessica right now is not someone I particularly like. But that will be changed. And how can I expect other people to like me if I don't even like me? I might be afraid of change, especially change that involves reinventing myself. It's time for me to get over my fear, and take the time to improve myself through constant practice of things I am passionate about.
Bring it, 2014.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Am I doing the right thing?
My fall quarter final exams have officially come to an end. Moment entering exam: I can handle this. I've spent countless hours solidifying my understanding of the material. Walking out of exam: Eyes are disoriented, face expressionless, and ultimately looking like a defeated soldier.
Many college students may be able to empathize with me on those cringe-worthy post-final exam moments. Those moments are worthy of great reflection and pondering. It makes me question whether or not I made the right decision to apply to college as an Electrical Engineering major, and if deciding to stick with engineering was a wise decision. All throughout last year, my emotions surrounding my decision to pursue engineering were contradicting on entirely different ends of the spectrum. Sometimes I felt incredibly inspired by the progress and incredible changes engineering has brought to our culture. Google Doodles' Grace Hopper feature gave me the necessary motivation to discipline myself and surge through studying for my exams. Other times, I feel completely out of place. Despite focusing every ounce of energy to the professor during lecture, reviewing and previewing material, and sacrificing sleep to further my studies, I constantly feel unable to master course material. I thought this was a plague for my first year of college, but even as I complete one quarter of my second year, I'm uneasy.
I started this quarter feeling motivated. I was excited to take my first class that began with the label "Electrical Engineering" and believed I had developed better habits and learned lessons from my previous year in college. And now, at the end of fall quarter, I still question whether or not all these struggles with few desirable results are worthwhile of my time and endeavors. It's no secret that engineering school has the reputation of being strenuous and arduous. Some people find it worthwhile. Others wish they had chosen a different career path. Me? I don't know. My feelings vary on a weekly basis. From experience, I have no doubt that there is no satisfaction or joy in a task until I have accomplished it and can perform it to the best of my ability. But being in the fast-paced quarter system, understanding a plethora of physical, mathematical, and circuitry phenomena in a short 10 weeks and being expected to retain this information with only partial understanding are not reasonable goals I should be setting for myself. Moreover, being female in a primarily male-dominated field further increases the chances of my discouragement. There are countless moments in this quarter when I look around my EE class, see no more than 8 other women in the classroom, notice male students staring at female students, and feel ridiculously self-conscious.
After every final exam this week, I have stopped to take some time to worry about the future and connect it to the pathetic and glorious acts I have done in the past. Finals are supposed to be the time for me to concentrate on mastering what I've learned this quarter, but the stress that comes with it has only made me worry more about everything other than finals themselves. I've craved therapeutically blogging and writing in my journal for the past two weeks, but incessant worrying under the demand to study for exams have caused me to become fuzzy-headed and even more conflicted.
But if I were to drastically change my life path, wouldn't I have more challenges to face? More complaints? Wishing I had done this instead of that?
Time to focus on the present and take one step at a time. I need to take baby steps and re-evaluate myself.
The worst part is realizing (as I wrote the previous sentence) how many times I have told myself that I need to re-evaluate each little choice I make in life that can boil the strongest emotions within me.
It's like a never-ending cycle.
Many college students may be able to empathize with me on those cringe-worthy post-final exam moments. Those moments are worthy of great reflection and pondering. It makes me question whether or not I made the right decision to apply to college as an Electrical Engineering major, and if deciding to stick with engineering was a wise decision. All throughout last year, my emotions surrounding my decision to pursue engineering were contradicting on entirely different ends of the spectrum. Sometimes I felt incredibly inspired by the progress and incredible changes engineering has brought to our culture. Google Doodles' Grace Hopper feature gave me the necessary motivation to discipline myself and surge through studying for my exams. Other times, I feel completely out of place. Despite focusing every ounce of energy to the professor during lecture, reviewing and previewing material, and sacrificing sleep to further my studies, I constantly feel unable to master course material. I thought this was a plague for my first year of college, but even as I complete one quarter of my second year, I'm uneasy.
I started this quarter feeling motivated. I was excited to take my first class that began with the label "Electrical Engineering" and believed I had developed better habits and learned lessons from my previous year in college. And now, at the end of fall quarter, I still question whether or not all these struggles with few desirable results are worthwhile of my time and endeavors. It's no secret that engineering school has the reputation of being strenuous and arduous. Some people find it worthwhile. Others wish they had chosen a different career path. Me? I don't know. My feelings vary on a weekly basis. From experience, I have no doubt that there is no satisfaction or joy in a task until I have accomplished it and can perform it to the best of my ability. But being in the fast-paced quarter system, understanding a plethora of physical, mathematical, and circuitry phenomena in a short 10 weeks and being expected to retain this information with only partial understanding are not reasonable goals I should be setting for myself. Moreover, being female in a primarily male-dominated field further increases the chances of my discouragement. There are countless moments in this quarter when I look around my EE class, see no more than 8 other women in the classroom, notice male students staring at female students, and feel ridiculously self-conscious.
After every final exam this week, I have stopped to take some time to worry about the future and connect it to the pathetic and glorious acts I have done in the past. Finals are supposed to be the time for me to concentrate on mastering what I've learned this quarter, but the stress that comes with it has only made me worry more about everything other than finals themselves. I've craved therapeutically blogging and writing in my journal for the past two weeks, but incessant worrying under the demand to study for exams have caused me to become fuzzy-headed and even more conflicted.
But if I were to drastically change my life path, wouldn't I have more challenges to face? More complaints? Wishing I had done this instead of that?
Time to focus on the present and take one step at a time. I need to take baby steps and re-evaluate myself.
The worst part is realizing (as I wrote the previous sentence) how many times I have told myself that I need to re-evaluate each little choice I make in life that can boil the strongest emotions within me.
It's like a never-ending cycle.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
"Will you be back again soon?"
Despite the incessant studying that has been accompanying my inflexible school schedule with midterms and quizzes which has caused my recent exhaustion, I re-discovered a former beacon of hope that brought the biggest smile to my face, contentment, and peace within: enlightening younger students, inspiring them to learn, and seeing their exciting responses and participation.
I'm not going to lie: the transition to being BEAM president has been tough. It's funny how you can work for months towards something, and it can all come crashing down within a few seconds due to unexpected complications. But I get it; this is all a part of the learning process. Disappointment and shattered plans are all naturally a part of a growing team that is learning to optimize its success and opportunities.
For the first time in several months, I visited a fourth-grade classroom and saw bright, curious faces who were so excited to be doing some hands-on science. While leading the class discussion, I asked them some questions related to osmosis and diffusion. What happens to your fingers when you guys are in the shower for too long? Can you relate that to what happens in Mr. Potato when he has been in salt water for too long? Every question I asked resulted in an astounding number of hands raised, all competitively eager to answer me (about 80% of the students raised their hands after every question). Well, how different this is from college science students; we're often very mundane and almost always sound wearied. Entering a room filled with enthusiastic young kids was incredibly refreshing.
At the end of our session, several of the kids ran up to me with pleading, widened eyes and said, "Jessica, will you be back again soon? PLEASE?" I then announced to the class that we will be back next Friday. A roaring "HOORAY!" echoed throughout the room.
Going to the school is like seeing the fruits of the BEAM team's labor. And this motivates me to build an even stronger leadership which will continue reaching out to younger students, exposing them to the exciting and relateable aspects of science.
I'm not going to lie: the transition to being BEAM president has been tough. It's funny how you can work for months towards something, and it can all come crashing down within a few seconds due to unexpected complications. But I get it; this is all a part of the learning process. Disappointment and shattered plans are all naturally a part of a growing team that is learning to optimize its success and opportunities.
For the first time in several months, I visited a fourth-grade classroom and saw bright, curious faces who were so excited to be doing some hands-on science. While leading the class discussion, I asked them some questions related to osmosis and diffusion. What happens to your fingers when you guys are in the shower for too long? Can you relate that to what happens in Mr. Potato when he has been in salt water for too long? Every question I asked resulted in an astounding number of hands raised, all competitively eager to answer me (about 80% of the students raised their hands after every question). Well, how different this is from college science students; we're often very mundane and almost always sound wearied. Entering a room filled with enthusiastic young kids was incredibly refreshing.
At the end of our session, several of the kids ran up to me with pleading, widened eyes and said, "Jessica, will you be back again soon? PLEASE?" I then announced to the class that we will be back next Friday. A roaring "HOORAY!" echoed throughout the room.
Going to the school is like seeing the fruits of the BEAM team's labor. And this motivates me to build an even stronger leadership which will continue reaching out to younger students, exposing them to the exciting and relateable aspects of science.
 |
| Did I forget to mention that the kids were excited to show off their class pet, Leo? |
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Scatterbrained.
I've recently felt like my mind is everywhere. I'm having so many ambitious visions about my future and trying to learn new skills that my focus on my engineering studies has drifted to la-la land. One morning I wake up determined to brainstorm and write an outline for my book. The next day I suddenly really want to learn biology. An hour later I feel like composing a solo piece for cello. Then, before I know it, I want to refine my skills in Matlab, Python, and C++ all at the same time. This is me envisioning some supernatural version of myself successfully doing all this on top of my coursework.
My roommates constantly comment on how I seem to always be busy, writing like a maniac at my desk, reading something from my computer, or attending a meeting. Do you have time for yourself? Yes, I do. Every moment is time given for myself, but since my time is devoted to things that are drastically different, I am inefficient. I need to regain my focus and concentrate on one thing at a time.
My dreams of being an indie author, performing in Royce Hall, and saving the world from delirious diseases can wait. But this is only a short wait.
My roommates constantly comment on how I seem to always be busy, writing like a maniac at my desk, reading something from my computer, or attending a meeting. Do you have time for yourself? Yes, I do. Every moment is time given for myself, but since my time is devoted to things that are drastically different, I am inefficient. I need to regain my focus and concentrate on one thing at a time.
My dreams of being an indie author, performing in Royce Hall, and saving the world from delirious diseases can wait. But this is only a short wait.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Breaking Out of Routine
Since I started my collegiate studies, I've always preferred a steady schedule with few surprises, where I can easily outline my routine for the next week. It makes me feel like I have control over my life in many aspects... study, class, diet, and exercise, to name a few. I had been so fixed on maintaining constants in my life that I come up with the greatest excuses and do whatever it takes to avoid adjustments.
Yet today, as I reflect on the events that took place these past four days, I realize how my insistence in staying in "routine" has only shown my selfishness and cowardice. Yes, I am not accustomed to Taiwanese foods, I abhor jet-lag, and I am likely the most fidgety person on a 12-hour plane ride.
But I barely made it on time.
She wasn't conscious when I rushed to the hospital. I could hear and see her breathing, her chest heaving up and down as she struggled to gulp for air. She's still here, I thought. She won't go quickly, she was just talking to me on the phone two days ago.. Feeling slightly less tense, I left the hospital, ready for a good night's sleep and prepared to spend the entire day with her in the hospital the next day. She'll wake up tomorrow, I thought.
A 5am phone call woke me and the rest of the family. She was in trouble, and her lungs were failing. We all rushed to the hospital, breathless. I looked at the Blood Pressure and Heart monitor; her heartbeat was abnormally fast, although steady. With other organs gradually failing, her heart was pumping faster than usual. Her blood pressure was far too low, but consistent. For the next few hours, everyone walked anxiously in and out of the ward.
At 10:22am, I saw the Blood Pressure and Heart monitor numbers declining rapidly. Her heart rate had fallen to 60 beats per minute, and within the next minute, it fell to 50 beats per minute. Out of nowhere, the screen showed an unwanted question mark and the nurses came rushing in. Before I knew it, the hospital staff were shaking their heads with apologetic faces. Tears rushed to my eyes, and I sobbed uncontrollably. I looked to my left, and I saw my cousin and dad fighting tears.
My paternal grandmother is the third person I've lost in my life to cancer. Both of my maternal grandparents left several years ago from cancer as well, and when I saw my paternal grandmother lying helplessly in the ward, memories of seeing others in a fragile state, fighting cancer to their fullest extent, came swerving back. And these memories hit me hard.
I've been out of summer classes for nearly four weeks now. Yet, the thought of going back to Taiwan to see my grandma while she was still alive, communicating with the people around her, never hit me. Why? I could think of so many excuses that had crossed my mind: I needed a "break" after classes, I can't sit long enough for an airplane ride to the other side of the country, Taiwanese people eat food that I can't stand to even look at, it's too hot and humid for me there, and I won't be using a bathroom with proper toilet paper (this is real - my paternal grandparents' house doesn't only lack WiFi, but also lacks trashcans and toilet paper) are among them.
A day before I arrived, my grandma's eyes were open, and her voice carried a strength that made everyone believe she was getting well. I could have spoken with her, and laughed with her. But I didn't, all because I truly believed that my life would just be so incredibly out-of-sync if I did. I used to think I was a grateful, giving individual. I loved giving to the community and helping my neighborhood. Now, I understand how selfish I am for not even being able to change some routines for a couple days to see one of the most important people in my life and joke with her the way we used to when she was healthy. Something so simple was something I still couldn't accomplish.
As I'm choosing the music for her funeral and writing about the joyful memories my grandma and I share, I've come to realize that these past few days have been filled with self-reflection and self-doubt. I know my grandma would encourage me to learn from my experiences, and move on tomorrow to be a person who is stronger, fiercer, and more intelligent than the individual I was yesterday.
And I know that I am.
Rest in peace, grandma. I love you.
Yet today, as I reflect on the events that took place these past four days, I realize how my insistence in staying in "routine" has only shown my selfishness and cowardice. Yes, I am not accustomed to Taiwanese foods, I abhor jet-lag, and I am likely the most fidgety person on a 12-hour plane ride.
But I barely made it on time.
She wasn't conscious when I rushed to the hospital. I could hear and see her breathing, her chest heaving up and down as she struggled to gulp for air. She's still here, I thought. She won't go quickly, she was just talking to me on the phone two days ago.. Feeling slightly less tense, I left the hospital, ready for a good night's sleep and prepared to spend the entire day with her in the hospital the next day. She'll wake up tomorrow, I thought.
A 5am phone call woke me and the rest of the family. She was in trouble, and her lungs were failing. We all rushed to the hospital, breathless. I looked at the Blood Pressure and Heart monitor; her heartbeat was abnormally fast, although steady. With other organs gradually failing, her heart was pumping faster than usual. Her blood pressure was far too low, but consistent. For the next few hours, everyone walked anxiously in and out of the ward.
At 10:22am, I saw the Blood Pressure and Heart monitor numbers declining rapidly. Her heart rate had fallen to 60 beats per minute, and within the next minute, it fell to 50 beats per minute. Out of nowhere, the screen showed an unwanted question mark and the nurses came rushing in. Before I knew it, the hospital staff were shaking their heads with apologetic faces. Tears rushed to my eyes, and I sobbed uncontrollably. I looked to my left, and I saw my cousin and dad fighting tears.
My paternal grandmother is the third person I've lost in my life to cancer. Both of my maternal grandparents left several years ago from cancer as well, and when I saw my paternal grandmother lying helplessly in the ward, memories of seeing others in a fragile state, fighting cancer to their fullest extent, came swerving back. And these memories hit me hard.
I've been out of summer classes for nearly four weeks now. Yet, the thought of going back to Taiwan to see my grandma while she was still alive, communicating with the people around her, never hit me. Why? I could think of so many excuses that had crossed my mind: I needed a "break" after classes, I can't sit long enough for an airplane ride to the other side of the country, Taiwanese people eat food that I can't stand to even look at, it's too hot and humid for me there, and I won't be using a bathroom with proper toilet paper (this is real - my paternal grandparents' house doesn't only lack WiFi, but also lacks trashcans and toilet paper) are among them.
A day before I arrived, my grandma's eyes were open, and her voice carried a strength that made everyone believe she was getting well. I could have spoken with her, and laughed with her. But I didn't, all because I truly believed that my life would just be so incredibly out-of-sync if I did. I used to think I was a grateful, giving individual. I loved giving to the community and helping my neighborhood. Now, I understand how selfish I am for not even being able to change some routines for a couple days to see one of the most important people in my life and joke with her the way we used to when she was healthy. Something so simple was something I still couldn't accomplish.
As I'm choosing the music for her funeral and writing about the joyful memories my grandma and I share, I've come to realize that these past few days have been filled with self-reflection and self-doubt. I know my grandma would encourage me to learn from my experiences, and move on tomorrow to be a person who is stronger, fiercer, and more intelligent than the individual I was yesterday.
And I know that I am.
Rest in peace, grandma. I love you.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Circular schooling
"I would change that to a system where we reward mastery of the subject matter, rather than grading on a curve... We are wasting a lot of human potential."
- John Matsui
"We need to create opportunities to excite students about how math and science connect to real life."
- Freedman A. Hrabowski III
"We'd like kids to learn how to solve hard problems and what it takes to pull off a complex endeavor, how to plan, collaborate, fail and not give up."
- Paulo Blikstein
"Science with humanity is googol times more amazing... I'd like to see STEM turned into STEAM."
- John Maeda
- John Maeda
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