A Eulogy

I've been thinking more about death lately. All living things will die; yet mortality is not something many people work through as they would their diet and exercise regime and clothes they wear to work. This past year has been the greatest year of growth in terms of reflection, self-awareness, and acting on my self-awareness, and I strive to continue leveling up in this realm of my life.

For many eulogy writing prompts online, the prompt tends to say: when I am gone, how would I want people to remember me? But the question I pose is: how would I want to remember myself, if I were taking my very last breaths? It is a very subtle phrasing difference; the former places more emphasis on what others think of me, while the latter is on what I think of me. What fundamentally makes me happy and proud to be Jessica Lin? The train of thoughts continue below...

• She created peace in her own heart with herself and in her relationships despite the noise and frenzy of the world constantly taking peace away
• She was present and 500% focused on the situation before her
• She was an intent listener; others felt heard and seen in her presence 
• Loving. Thoughtful. 
• She showed detached empathy (more on detached empathy for another post; the idea is to not be so overwhelmed by emotion in empathy, which I am 100% guilty of, that it results in not being prosocial) 
• She had strong, kind, and contagiously good energy
• She was someone who earned things, not someone who took things
• She was unapologetically herself because she knew. who. she. was.  

I feel so vulnerable and emotional typing this up. I am reminded of the many years I spent in school feeling insecure and lost... seeing other girls in the gym locker room whispering about the way I looked, eating lunch alone because I didn't know how to approach people I wanted to talk to, letting social media dictate my worth, confusion about what I wanted to study in college, the pressure of leading a specific lifestyle that others wanted, questioning purpose and passion, craving acceptance from my peers, beating myself up for stupid things I said and mistakes I made, crying buckets of tears in front of my graduate school advisor because of the overwhelming stress and grad school toxicity, blaming myself for a dishonest ex-boyfriend...

I used to wish that I never had these painful experiences, but now, I wouldn't go back and change a thing. I don't feel shame about my past anymore. It is just so strange to look at what I used to care so much about and compare it to the person I want to remember myself for. I want to develop strong, meaningful relationships. I want to be unshakeable in a society that is slowly taking away the core of people's fundamental goodness. Every living thing on this planet has experienced sunrise and sunset. As the sun sets, all the embarrassment and disappointments with the day sets along with it; the sun reignites and rises the next morning and spreads its rays to remind each of us that we possess the energy to be the best we can be in that moment for that day, and to continue growing with each sunrise.

I really don't care for having conventional "success" or superficially "having it all" on the outside. Knowing and loving your heart, and continuously sharing the energy in your heart... that is the most important.

Thus, I ask myself every night... did you love the person you were today?