Thoughts on books: isolation, loneliness, and perception

I finished three books during the last two weeks of 2020: The Midnight Library, Where the Crawdads Sing, and Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine. Loneliness, isolation, and the feeling that those around us do not understand us, are common themes among the three books. I enjoyed all three to varying extents, my favorite being Eleanor Oliphant's story.

The Midnight Library by Matt Haig

While Nora's story in The Midnight Library conveyed a similar message, I found the plot rather predictable. However, there are still some nuggets of wisdom, which also felt like snippets of tweets I would expect from Matt Haig (a form of storytelling that doesn't create long-lasting character impressions for me). My favorite tweet-able lines from the novel:

The only way to learn is to live.

Doing one thing differently is often the same as doing everything differently

You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.  

You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.

It seems that many of us, especially my peers of the same generation, are always searching for meaning and purpose in our lives. Nora's story reminds us that by living our lives, we are already creating meaning and purpose in our every moment and action. Meaning and purpose is not something that we have to define clearly for ourselves, but rather is something that is always in our presence. We may not always see it there. 

I still consider Matt Haig's The Humans is one of my all-time favorite novels, though The Midnight Library didn't quite strike the same chord within me.

Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens 

I am still digesting this book as the ending has me rather perplexed. Kya's story reminded me that people are complex, there is no such thing as black-and-white as right-or-wrong, and that we all make choices that are ultimately rooted in survival. I rooted for Kya throughout the book because I see the pain she endured, the trauma, and the expectation of abandonment from those that are supposed to love her. Yet, Kya's pain (which I wish upon no one) is exactly what allows her to grow in ways that I admire. A contradiction of how life itself unfolds, I suppose. Despite her insistence that relying on others results in hurt, Kya's survival and growth was also inherently connected to others: Tate, who taught her how to read; Jumpin, who treated her like his own daughter; and Mabel, who was Kya's only female role model growing up. 

Perhaps Kya's story also reminds us that while we may think we cannot need others in our life for fear of pain and hurt, there are always those who built us up to who we are today that we may not consciously acknowledge.

Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine by Gail Honeyman

For the past week, I kept wondering why I am so intrigued by Eleanor Oliphant. When I read the first chapter, I sometimes found myself wishing that I could be a bit more in how she accepts the blatant realities of her life, clearheaded on the parts that don't make sense yet not accepted much by the negativity and perceived-stupidity of all that surrounds her. In some ways, I envied her way of thinking, minus her life-plan with the musician, which I perceived as coming from a place of fear and trauma. There is contemplation on the internet regarding Eleanor as being neurodivergent, which is not discussed explicitly in the book.

Gail Honeyman wanted to tell the story that stemmed from the lived experience of loneliness; how a young person "may not speak to another person from leaving the office on Friday night until returning on Monday morning. That this is possible when someone moves to a new city, rents a one-bedroom apartment, takes a new job where she has little in common with her colleagues..."

Eleanor's life is mostly isolated until she meets her new coworker, an emotionally intelligent Raymond. Gail Honeyman described him as the everyday good guy that is often left out of so many stories. 

I will leave you with this thought from Eleanor when she is at a social gathering, which is worthy of reflection as we move into 2021:

All of the people in the room seemed to take so much for granted: that they would be invited to social events, that they would have friends and family to talk to, that they would fall in love, be loved in return, perhaps create a family of their own. 

Arikawa - The Traveling Cat Chronicles

Note: Plot spoilers ahead.

A friend of mine, who is a huge cat-lover despite her alarming cat allergies, once told me that the most admired trait in a cat (that is arguably transferable to the human realm) is that we as humans need to earn their trust in order to be anywhere near them. Any form of stroking or mere poking of a cat is a real privilege.

"you don't have to choose between being scientific and being compassionate." -Robert Sapolsky

I have been fascinated by the human mind throughout my life. I grew up believing in the trite phrase "mind over matter" was 100% applicable to my struggles. Despite having that level of self-awareness, I was not able to fully peel back the layers behind my enigmatic and often refraining thoughts until I was in my early 20s.

Behave brings both science and humanity to the forefront of civilization, showing both the good and terrible things people are capable of doing. This book is fascinating and informative that it may as well be the "Behavior-Bible-for-nonbiologists." I've been rereading dense sections and critically grapple with how the research and anecdotes reflect the decisions that I make and have made in my own life.

I can reread this book several times and, I bet, digest new information each time. My ultimate takeaway this round: there are countless factors we cannot control which influenced our brain development as children; however, with awareness of all this complexity, we can, through experience and neuroplasticity, change ourselves, and thus change the worldview.

Some ideas and stories that sparked my curiosity:

• Sustained stress decreases our ability to process new information, therefore creating tendencies to act on old (and probably lousy) habits, as well as conform. It makes me wonder... are there studies that have "measured" chronic stress? 
• Us/Them-ing is an emotional and automatic reaction that occurs in milliseconds prior to our conscious awareness.
• Moral intuitions are a result of repeated experience and learning which, overtime, become automatic. Doing the right thing can be the easier thing if we exercise "doing the right thing" enough. 
• "The peril of empathy isn't simply that it can make us feel bad, but that it can make us feel good, which can in turn encourage us to think of empathy as an end in itself rather than part of a process, a catalyst." In other words, don't let yourself be a feelings sponge and wind up protecting yourself from feeling so strongly that no action is taken.

Given this 700-paged summary of human behavior and the brain, it is evident that the factors which determine our worst behaviors can also be forces for some of our finest behaviors. Armed with this knowledge, I am determined to move forward with even greater self-awareness (although I may never get to the bottom of the truth as to why I harbor certain perceptions, I know I have the capability to be better), and to remember that all the people who offend and hurt me are still fundamentally just like me. We are products of events that occurred prior to our birth, environment, and an abundance of factors out of our control. We simply do what we can in this particular stage of our life. 

A Eulogy

I've been thinking more about death lately. All living things will die; yet mortality is not something many people work through as they would their diet and exercise regime and clothes they wear to work. This past year has been the greatest year of growth in terms of reflection, self-awareness, and acting on my self-awareness, and I strive to continue leveling up in this realm of my life.

For many eulogy writing prompts online, the prompt tends to say: when I am gone, how would I want people to remember me? But the question I pose is: how would I want to remember myself, if I were taking my very last breaths? It is a very subtle phrasing difference; the former places more emphasis on what others think of me, while the latter is on what I think of me. What fundamentally makes me happy and proud to be Jessica Lin? The train of thoughts continue below...

• She created peace in her own heart with herself and in her relationships despite the noise and frenzy of the world constantly taking peace away
• She was present and 500% focused on the situation before her
• She was an intent listener; others felt heard and seen in her presence 
• Loving. Thoughtful. 
• She showed detached empathy (more on detached empathy for another post; the idea is to not be so overwhelmed by emotion in empathy, which I am 100% guilty of, that it results in not being prosocial) 
• She had strong, kind, and contagiously good energy
• She was someone who earned things, not someone who took things
• She was unapologetically herself because she knew. who. she. was.  

I feel so vulnerable and emotional typing this up. I am reminded of the many years I spent in school feeling insecure and lost... seeing other girls in the gym locker room whispering about the way I looked, eating lunch alone because I didn't know how to approach people I wanted to talk to, letting social media dictate my worth, confusion about what I wanted to study in college, the pressure of leading a specific lifestyle that others wanted, questioning purpose and passion, craving acceptance from my peers, beating myself up for stupid things I said and mistakes I made, crying buckets of tears in front of my graduate school advisor because of the overwhelming stress and grad school toxicity, blaming myself for a dishonest ex-boyfriend...

I used to wish that I never had these painful experiences, but now, I wouldn't go back and change a thing. I don't feel shame about my past anymore. It is just so strange to look at what I used to care so much about and compare it to the person I want to remember myself for. I want to develop strong, meaningful relationships. I want to be unshakeable in a society that is slowly taking away the core of people's fundamental goodness. Every living thing on this planet has experienced sunrise and sunset. As the sun sets, all the embarrassment and disappointments with the day sets along with it; the sun reignites and rises the next morning and spreads its rays to remind each of us that we possess the energy to be the best we can be in that moment for that day, and to continue growing with each sunrise.

I really don't care for having conventional "success" or superficially "having it all" on the outside. Knowing and loving your heart, and continuously sharing the energy in your heart... that is the most important.

Thus, I ask myself every night... did you love the person you were today? 

"Behave": Genes, Environment, and Culture

I'm about halfway through Robert Sapolsky's "Behave", and I find this book fascinating. The witty bounce-off between comical language (especially in the footnotes) and data-backed evidence lightens the heavy topic of complex and downright confusing human behavior.

A topic from "Behave" that I have been perusing is gene-environment interactions, a topic strongly related to the age old debate of nature vs. nurture. How pivotal of a role do our genes play in explaining human behavior and preferences? How much do my genes determine my strong love for pancakes? 

There are two terms here that Sapolsky defines and, as he admits, are highly unintuitive: 

If genes strongly influence average levels of a trait, that trait is strongly inherited. If genes strongly influence the extent of variability around that average level, that trait has high heritability.

Sapolsky gives the example of height variation in a plant species with three gene versions. Version A will grow to be 1 inch tall, B to be 2 inches tall, and C to be 3 inches tall. In this scenario, the differences in height is completely determined by genes, and is thus 100% heritable. However, consider that this plant species always has leaves at the base closest to the roots, with an occasional anomaly of a plant with leaves at the top near the flowers. The trait of low-lying leaves would be highly inherited with low heritability; the genes predict the placement of leaves and don't explain the anomalous difference of leaves growing at the top of the plant.

So what drives differences, and how much of it is actually driven by genetics? I found Sapolsky's point about environment crucial: if you only study the gene in a particular environment, you fail to observe how the gene works in other environments. As expected, genes work differently in different environments. Furthermore, studying the gene in multiple environments decreases the influence of heritability, and suddenly the influence of genes on plant height is less due to genes and more influenced by environment. The actual heritability of a trait is highly context-dependent. Imagine the intricacies of studying human behavior in the context of environment, where there are infinite types of living environments, lifestyles, and traumas.

Related to gene-environment interaction is a topic that I took more personally: collectivist vs. individualist culture (or East Asian and American cultures, respectively). There are three scenarios in the book, which I used to "determine" how "Asian" and "American" I am:

1) Americans are more likely to remember when they influenced someone, while East Asians will remember times when someone influenced them. 
I'm 50-50. I have strong admiration and memories of mentors who have had significant impact on my decisions for my career and path forward, but I have equally strong memories of times when friends and acquaintances would remark on something I did to help them through challenges.

2) Which two go together? A monkey, a bear, and a banana. 
I instinctively said monkey and banana, associating a monkey with eating a banana. According to research, the cultural differences cause Americans to process this situation categorically; the monkey and bear go together since they are animals. East Asians, however, think about the relationship between a monkey and a banana; the monkey will need to eat the banana to nourish its body and survive.

3) When looking at a picture, what do you notice first? The scene or the person in the middle?
I tend to notice the person in the middle of a scene. Generally, Americans will look towards the center of the photo first, while East Asians look holistically at the entire photo.

What I found utterly fascinating is the environmental and ecological influence of rice on collectivism. Rice is the staple of East Asian food, and its harvesting requires extensive cooperation beyond family boundaries to successfully build and maintain rice irrigation systems. Rice harvesting is not a solitary activity. And on the topic of heritability and environment: a gene variant responsible for extroversion and impulsive activity occurs in 23% of Europeans and European Americans, but only 1% in East Asians. Collectivist rice farming societies trended against this variant as rice domestication progressed.

I couldn't help but think about my parents and how their actions strongly reflect collectivism. My mother makes lunch for my father every single day, and it is almost the exact same lunch: romaine lettuce with tomatoes, avocado, mushroom, many other vegetables, an egg, with bagel and oatmeal on the side. She always said it was natural for her to do so and she never had to think twice about putting together a meal for him. My father never complains about the meal, despite it almost being the exact same lunch every day.* I assume this is part of his "collectivist mindset", where he understands that every person contributes to the overall well-being of the family in some way. In turn, he does a lot of the cleaning in the house and likes to maintain garden and plants in the yard, keeping our family's living space clean.

My parents do all that without consciously dividing up tasks. To me, it seems like they naturally fell into those roles because they were aware of the individual contribution needed to create a healthy, communal environment for the family.

Genes, environment, and culture - the interplay among these three must somehow create a unique blueprint for every individual's behavior.


* If it were me, I might have resorted to making my own lunches because the individualist in me wants to take charge of my meals and have something other than nutritious, healthy salads daily.

Hunger, by Roxane Gay

I have been silent about my story in a world where people assume they know the why of my body, or any fat body. And now, I am choosing to no longer be silent. I am tracing the story of my body from when I was a carefree young girl who could trust her body and who felt safe in her body, to the moment when that safety was destroyed, to the aftermath that continues even as I try to undo so much of what was done to me.

- Roxane Gay, Hunger

Empathy is lacking in this world, especially in online spaces. The internet has become one of the cruelest and most bigoted places. Anybody can hide behind a computer screen and create an anonymous social media account to harass others. Creators can put up a screen-grabbing thumbnail and garner views with offensive, and insensitive content.

Twitter is an excellent example of an online space where strangers can tweet you vile and insulting things in a couple hundred characters. On YouTube, users can leave paragraphs of rude and hurtful comments.

Roxane Gay is frequently harassed on twitter. People offer her unsolicited weight loss advice, insult her body, and send her condescending tweets.  In Hunger, she chooses to speak up about her body, her insecurities, and her struggle with her identity.

Hunger is a raw and honest story which must have required infinite amounts of courage to even decide to write. Gay says that her life can easily be divided into a before and after of the day she was raped at 12 years old. She perceived her body as weak and unprotected, and believed that the more she ate and the larger she became, the safer she was. She struggles between feeling this protection and feeling devalued in a world of thin privilege. 

Gay reminds us that this society values thinness and rewards it. She writes about her concern with grocery shopping under the public eye, getting bruised from armchairs on planes, and sitting on the edge of her chair and using as little weight as possible during a public interview. She writes about cooking disappointing ravioli from Blue Apron instructions. She writes about how muted she was in describing her hunger to her parents, and how she could not bring herself to show them how broken she felt inside. 

Hunger is a gift to literature. In no way is Gay ever obligated to explain her past and the evolution of her body to the public, but she bravely shares her ongoing struggle with her body and navigating society as a fat woman. 

The Inner Dilemma of a Coffee-Lover

It's the end of winter quarter 2015, and for the first time, I've overindulged in coffee and dessert during finals week. My sudden lax in self-control both intrigues and frightens me. Furthermore, coffee from external vendors near UCLA are quite costly. We're talking Starbucks and Peet's Coffee, where small-sized drinks average $3-4.

Back in high school, I actively took part in campaigns that urged consumers to purchase fair-trade products such as fair-trade chocolate and fair-trade coffee. Fair-trade sets a just compensation for farmers who produce goods that are purchased in first-world countries. For example, coffee is one of the most traded commodities, but many coffee-producing farmers are in a cycle of poverty due to labor exploitation.

So the question is, where does all the money go for all the high-priced coffee at chains such as Starbucks? Most of the money we pay goes directly to coffee exporters who take advantage of the situations and use profit for their personal gain. Fair trade USA, even though more expensive than their non-fair trade counterparts, claims that

Our mission is to enable sustainable development and community empowerment by cultivating a more equitable global trade model that benefits farmers, workers, consumers, industry and the earth.

In my generation, fair trade is also relatively unknown and rather inaccessible. There's always a part of me that truly enjoys the delicious aroma and taste of well-brewed coffee, but another part of me says to be more minimalist and concerned about what happens behind the scenes. This internal battle takes place all the time whenever I decide to go out and have a good time with friends. Eating meat is bad for the environment, they say. You're contributing to terrible employee treatment, they say. Stop drinking coffee when it has such a terrible colonial history, they say.

So where do I draw the line?